What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 04:53
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My life is so biszare .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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All the time i was locked up.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But, we were locked up after school.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I could never make a relationship work though!
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My family never makes their pension either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
What problems do you face in everyday life?
Especially a lifetime of it.
But it wasn’t much.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One cannot live in the past .
How can I have an overnight glow-up for school?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We all went to grammer schools
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My friend asked my crush and he said my crush hates me but not in a rude way. What does that mean?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
How do you deal with neighbors who are always telling you what to do?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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She loved him until the end.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
(And it was in our own minds.)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He knew the spot.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was 9 years of age.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She married twice! .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Would this be the day?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was in good health!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And i lived it daily.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She wouldn,t have been !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
I waited trembling.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I will be 64.
Comes on , in middle age.
When she asked me how she looked .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So whats the point in blame.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ive learnt so much.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was very sick at this time too.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Who then, do I blame.?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why did i forgive my father ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She found it foreign!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
What did i know ?
I write beautiful poetry .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We were not on the streets..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was seconnd youngest,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I don,t even have a pension.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I said to her
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It was going to be , some day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im still living with it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
This is soul school!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I think the readers, may guess!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was scared of men, in general